How to make your own anti-depressants

When  I was depressed, I tried almost all the different forms of medical treatment available out there. One of them was going on anti-depressants. I was put on different types of anti-depressants and none of them worked. I felt good after I took them but as the effect wore off I got worse. I would be unstable, overly emotional and suicidal. There was one thing that the doctors had right though and that was that there was something wrong with the chemistry in my brain. My state of mind was illogical and I had no control over it. So I decided why don't I try to balance the chemicals using natural methods. This set me on a search for finding my own anti-depressants. In the same way that certain people respond better to certain drugs than others, these anti-depressants are what worked for me and they may not necessarily work for you. However being a researcher myself, I looked into the literature to see if there was any proof that what I found to be helpful ways of controlling my depression were actually identified/recognised as alternative methods of treatment by the scientific community. To my surprise I came across this paper published in the Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience by Prof. Peter Young who has been the editor n chief of the Journal of Psychiatry for the past 21 years (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2077351/) which corroborated with what I found by myself in my struggle to find an alternative solution.

These are just suggestions and harmless things that you could try out for yourself to find out what works for you.

Exercise - It is commonly known and medically proven that exercise helps to regulate serotonin (a chemical that is known to be responsible for maintaining mood balance, a deficit of which leads to depression) levels. Even though I myself prefer milder forms of exercises like yoga and Pilates, more rigorous exercises like aerobics have been shown to be more effective in increasing serotonin levels. I know its hard to make yourself get out of bed let alone make yourself run several kilometres when you're depressed. That is why I started with what worked for me. I joined the nearest gym which had yoga and Pilates classes. I had always enjoyed these types of exercises as I used to do them with my mother when I was in my teens. So I decided to attend them even though the hardest part was getting dressed and getting out of the house. The first few classes were very difficult. I always went early and found a place at the back away from everybody and I couldn't do all the moves correctly because after being depressed and suicidal for so long, my body felt detached from my mind. But I soldiered on and made it through my first month. Even after just a month I started noticing the difference. Then I started combining my exercise regime with more rigorous forms like more cardio and weights. I was always careful not to overdo it because the last thing I wanted was to injure myself and end up not being able to go to the gym for a long period of time. With the right combination of exercises I was able to kick start my healing process. This was probably the most effective anti-depressant which got me on the path to finding others like this.

Plenty of "me-time" - This was one of the most enjoyable forms of anti-depressants that I came across. When I was depressed I didn't want to talk with anybody but everybody kept telling me to put myself out there, to meet up with friends and to not be by myself. I tried doing this but every time I ended up feeling more miserable than before. As most of you would know, its extremely difficult to interact with people when you're depressed. Even having a simple conversation about the weather felt like a Herculean task and I would be more depressed than before because I felt like such an idiot not being able to carry on a simple conversation with somebody. It was like a vicious cycle that kept me continuously depressed and forever alone. So I decided to give it up. I was going to break the cycle. I need to be happy being with myself. I need to be a person I was happy being with before I start hanging out with other people. So I started allocating time for "me-time". I was always too hard on myself. I needed to take care of myself. I needed to be kind to myself. So I scheduled regular "me-time"s for myself and filled them with activities that made me felt loved and taken care of, things that made me happy.

• As you all know, when we're depressed we tend to neglect to take care of our appearance. I realised I was doing this too. So some of the activities included in the me-time were having a mani-pedi, going shopping and getting my hair done. The way you look and the way you felt about the way you look was very important in uplifting your mood and in improving confidence.  
• I find time during the weekend to go to a nice, relaxing place like the beach or a park, find a sunny spot and read a book. Reading was something that I always enjoyed but life got so busy that I didn't have time for it. But because of this new concept of "me-time" I decided to include this as one of the activities. I mostly read feel good novels and blogs like http://nelhunter.blogspot.com and http://www.happysimpleliving.com/blog/. 
• Sometimes in the evenings after work I'd come home and take the time to enjoy a glass of my favourite wine with some soothing music(smooth jazz is my music of choice). For me this is like a spa treatment for my soul. 
• Speaking of spa treatments, they are another wonderful way to enjoy your me-time. Not only does it help you relax after a busy week, its yet another way to make yourself feel loved and taken care of. If you feel spa treatments can be a bit expensive and above your budget, you can do the same thing at home for a fraction of the cost. It all about awakening your senses and altering the chemistry in your brain. One way of doing this at home is a soothing bubble bath. We all have different fragrances nd combinations of fragrances that we like. Find yours and find bath soaks, salts and scented candles to match your taste. Light the candles abound the tub and add the soaks and salts and bring the temperature in the water to a level that suits you and enjoy.

Coffee - Although coffee in large quantities taken over long periods of time it's known to have a negative impact on brain chemistry, having a couple of cups of coffee in the morning certainly has an anti-depressant effect on me. Having a cup of coffee is actually more of a ritual than anything else, a way of taking a break to enjoy the simple pleasure of a warm cup of coffee. Take the time in the morning to make yourself a nice cup of coffee and enjoy it in a relaxed setting preferably with a view of the sunrise. It is quite a wonderful start for your day and you feel awake and refreshed. I generally have my second cup around 10/11 after going to work. I try to take that time to have a chat with a friend or just by myself. Its both a way to keep the right balance in your mind as well as a way to take a break from work which helps in regulating the chemicals in your brain. These two cups of coffee are all I have in a day and I generally have them before noon. If you are like me, and find it harder to sleep after having coffee later in the day, you should try to limit your coffee intake as well as the timing of it, like having it before noon. This is so that you allow the caffeine to leave your system by the time you go to bed at night.

Sunshine - Getting plenty of sunshine is another way to regulate your brain chemistry. Especially, if you're like me and are prone to get more depressed during winter or rainy/cloudy days. What I try to do is get at least a little bit sunshine on sunny days. If I'm at work, I go for a 15 min stroll or try to have my lunch outside. If its on a weekend, I try to enjoy my "me-time" in the sun. It is actually a scientifically proven fact that bright lights help increase serotonins levels in your brain. So get some sunshine into your life!

Chamomile tea - This was a fairly recent discovery for me. I had heard of the calming effect of chamomile tea but I had never tried it before. I don't know if it works for everybody, but it certainly has a significant calming and sedative effect on me. So I have started to combine my treatment with a cup of chamomile tea every night. Too much of anything, even a good thing might not be good. So I've decided to stick to one cup a day for now.

Music - I that certain genres of music and certain artists help uplift my mood. They were not really the ones that I used to listen to. I experimented with different kinds of music and identified ones that immediately put me in a good mood. And I think my brain got trained to identify them as cues to possibly regulate the chemistry. So it went hand in hand.

These are just a couple suggestions of the kind of things that worked for me. There may be others that are more suitable for you. But you need to get started and its only when you get into this process and your brain is altered in such a way that it learns to enjoy these simple pleasures in life, that you start to identify the things that work for you.

The first step to self-recovery

The first step to self-recovery is to forgive yourself.

Sounds easy enough?  In fact, it sounds like a bit of a cliche thing to say. Yeah, thats what I thought too. But like most cliches, it was a cliche for a reason. It was true. I realised that I was too hard on myself. I was only human. It was okay to be sad on certain days. It was okay to feel like you can't get out of bed. It was okay to feel like you can't live another day. Stop beating yourself up about it. Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. If you feel sad, its okay. You're allowed to feel sad. your battling depression for God sake! Its no easy task. But try to do something that would make you feel better. Indulge in something that would put you in a better mood. Give yourself a break. Have a soothing bubble bath, watch something or go to your favourite coffee place and have a nice cup of coffee.  If you feel like you can't get out of bed, stay in bed. Listen to some up lifting music or just browse the web.

I can imagine what you're thinking right about now. "But how can we get ourselves to do any of this when we don't feel like doing anything, when we feel numb or dead inside". Believe me, I get it. I went through the same thing. It sometimes got on my nerves when people suggested things like this. It made me angry and I felt like they didn't understand what I was going through or the severity of my situation. It wasn't a bout of "the blues" or just sadness.

But you see, the way to beating depression is to continuously force yourself to do things that are good for you. Its like you're fighting with yourself because you are your worst enemy. That voice inside you head, the one that keeps you down, the one that continuously reminds you that you're not good enough, thats what you need to fight. And the way to silence that voice it to be kind to yourself, to forgive yourself. When ever you hear that voice criticising you, tell yourself "Its okay. I'm only human. I need a break. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I will forgive myself.". Its going to be difficult at the beginning. If your depression is anything like what mine was, you wont be able to tell the difference between the real you and that dark, evil voice inside you. But if you keep treating yourself well and forgiving yourself every time you fail, that voice is gradually going to go away.

Now, some of you might be thinking, "Hey, we have real problems. We have situations/people who are keeping us in this state. How are these problems going to go away if I take a bubble bath??". But you see, the real problem here is yourself. That voice inside your head is not going to let you find a solutions to your problems. That voice inside you is going to sabotage all your attempts. The only way to silence this voice is to forgive yourself, to treat yourself well. That is why I say that this is the first step. Because once that voice goes away, everything becomes so much clearer and you will see that the solutions to the problems were right in front of you.

So start your first step to self-recovery....forgive yourself..

The darkest hour....

I thought I'd start by describing my darkest hour and the events leading up to it...

I was from a "normal" family with the usual problems. As children of immigrant parents, my brother and I, we were always encouraged to do well in school. My father was an engineer who loved his job and he wanted us to be like him. School, exams, getting into good universities and being successful in what ever career we chose (more like the career they chose for us) was of the utmost importance. What we really wanted to do or what made us happy was not really relevant.

So having grown up in this kind of high pressure environment, it was no surprise that I developed stress headaches and anxiety attacks at a very young age. By the time I was in my late teens I knew there was something wrong with me. I felt an inexplicable sadness and emptiness which kept getting worse with every single day. I didn't know back then about depression and that that was what was wrong with me. My parents didn't really listen to any of my claims that I felt like something was wrong with me. They just thought I was being lazy and told me to just suck it up and work hard towards my goals. They were only focused on seeing me achieve what they dreamed for me. So I was pushed into achieving one goal after the other. I thought they were my goals but I later realised that they were actually my parents goals and that I was systematically brained washed throughout the years to believe that they were mine. 

Even while struggling with depression, I was able to do extremely well in school, pass highly competitive exams and get into the top university that my parents wanted me to get into. However, after starting uni, my situation started getting worse. My depression had gotten to a point where the slightest challenge made me suicidal. Trivial thing like exams or even assignment deadlines, would derail me. I'd have panic attacks and nervous breakdowns over these kind of minor hurdles. I was not able to function. It was not just my studies but my personal like, my relationship were suffering as well. I found it difficult to talk with people and my relationship with my boyfriend was severely strained because of my condition.

However, it was only after uni that the life that I worked so hard to keep together came crashing down. I went through what some people are calling a quarter life crisis. I realised I was in the wrong career path and my engagement to the guy I had been dating for the past 6 years was called off. I quit my job and I moved to another country to pursue higher studies. I actually wanted to grieve and stay back home but it was my parents who encouraged me to go overseas. I was heart broken, depressed, suicidal and in general a total mess when I arrived in Sydney, Australia. I had left behind all my friends and my support system. There was nobody that I knew there except for my brother who decided to completely ignore my existence because I was such a mess. Then I fell in with the wrong crowd, a bunch of party girls who were also my flatmates. Recently made single and in the ultimate low point in my life, I fit in well with these insecure, messed up girls who had so many issues just like me. This is when I got to partying and self medicating with alcohol.

The lowest point in my life, the "darkest hour" came a few months after I came to Sydney. I couldn't handle the stress of the course that I had enrolled into and so I dropped out. This just made my situation get so much worse. I felt tired of life and I wanted to end it. I set out to take my life. But before that I started drinking to gather up the courage or the stupidity to go through with my plans. I chugged down almost half a bottle of vodka and set out to do what I had planned. I don't know if you'd call it fate or divine intervention, but somehow I never managed to get too far. A neighbour had found me sitting on the pavement near my apartment building, delirious and talking myself and was kind enough to bring me home to my flatmates who had gotten me into bed. I woke up the next morning with no recollection of the events that happened the previous night. My flatmates, bless their very tattered souls, decided to have an intervention for me. As I sat their listening to them trying to give me advice, when they so clearly were just as lost as me, I got to thinking. How messed up do I need to be for these girls to have an intervention for me? It was a real eye opener for me. This was when I realised I had to do something about my situation.

The year that followed was terrible. I stubbled with depression and suicidal thoughts while trying to find some kind of solution. It was like this weight that kept holding me back. I get one step forward but a bout of depression would pull be two steps back. I tried medication, counselling and went for therapy sessions to a very expensive, highly recommended psychiatrist. Nothing seemed to work and I kept getting worse. It was bar able during the day but towards nightfall the dreaded darkness would descend and it would consume me. I was scared to come back to my apartment, to be alone with this demon who seemed to possess me and suffocate me. I would resort to suicidal ideation for some form of relief. I would try to imagine my life ending and not having to feel all this pain and misery. I would occasionally plan attempts. 

Amidst all this darkness, I came across this one self-help website. The title of the webpage was "Coping with Suicidal Thoughts"(http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/suicidal.htm). This is what changed my life. It set me off on this journey of self-recovery